“The Vision is Jesus” Part 2

I have thought about how to talk about this in probably a hundred different ways this week. Because as you are going to read, it’s a lot! But we‘re gonna trust the Lord. And trust that He will meet you where you are when you read this and lead the way from there.

I also just want to say, if you haven’t read the blog from last week, you may get a little lost at first. So click here if you haven’t read it.

Ok, Pete Greig, “Dirty Glory”, “The Vision is Jesus”, here is where I think I’ve landed:

I’m in the way.

Wait, I want to say that louder.

I’M IN THE WAY!!!!

(Cue the Taylor Swift song that I’ve actually never listened to, except for that one part everyone quotes. You know it: “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem it’s me.” That’s all I got.)

Like REALLY in the way!!

I’m so focused on making sure I’m doing all the “right” things, that I’m doing them well, with the “right” theology, the “right” motives, in front of the “right” people, using the “right” language— am I impressing you today, Jesus? And I’m—really—just—in—the—way! I really just need to sit down and stop talking for a minute. Maybe take that break from habitual Christianity that Pete was talking about.

Can I just stop focusing on what ”I’m doing” or “not doing”, or how I’m doing and start focusing on Jesus and what He’s doing? Like am I allowed to trash, ahem, I mean trade in the “spiritual application” part that I’m trying so hard to make myself better with and maybe just really trust, you know, trust Him to transform my heart and mind? Is that ok? Kristen, I’m asking you. Is that ok?

*Hang in there with me. I know I’m coming off strong today…

“The point of prayer is not the power it releases but the Person it reveals.”

Jesus.

”But if you move toward Jesus alone and no one joins you, that may, in the end, be the most remarkable movement of all.”

Jesus.

”Everything else is secondary— even the mission is less important than the Man.”

Jesus.

”I talk about Him a fair bit, in the way you do when you really like someone and you no longer care who knows it…”

Jesus.

“Attempt to bring justice without Jesus, and you may not even get justice.”

Jesus.

“He notices. He says thank you.”

Jesus.

“If you really want to lead worship, practice wonder.”

At Jesus.

“The vision is Jesus. Not Christianity. Not prayer, mission, and justice. Not worship leading or church-planting or evangelism. If you love Jesus you’ll do that stuff: you’ll pray and worship and go to church and preach the gospel. But in doing all those things, don’t lose the why, don’t get lost in the crowd.”

Jesus.

I’ll be the first to admit it— I’ve lost the why. I’ve been so focused on being “right” that I’ve missed the One who is actually right. I’ve done prayer, mission, justice, worship leading, going to church, all of it and then some. Check! List complete. But… I think I’ve missed something so important. Maybe the most important. I’ve done all these things to prove myself worthy of Jesus—to prove to Him, to prove to myself, to prove to others. This is how I prove my love for Him. But I think I’ve let the proof of it all be more than actually just loving Him.

I’ve allowed that “checked off list” to weigh more in my life and heart than the sacrifice and love of Jesus Himself. My performance for Jesus has out-weighed my love for Him.

I want that list to be done from a place of being loved by Jesus and responding to His love. I want it to be checked off not because I’m trying to prove anything, but because I’m so in awe and wonder that I just can’t help but wanting to love Him in return. I want it to come from a place of intimacy not performing, not striving.

I want to make sure a few things are clear.

1. Theology, what we believe about God, is important. But remember we only see in part while we are here on earth. Therefore, don’t go after theology for theology sake. And be ok with the Lord constantly correcting, shaping and unraveling that theology. Let’s be a people that are ok with Him sharing His heart, character and nature with us even it means at times He has to bulldoze down the boxes we’ve tried to put Him in to.
2. Being “right” isn’t the goal. Trust is the goal. If we make being “right” the goal of all that we are doing, we will only find ourselves in a spinning web and stuck in a losing battle of hatred, judgement, and bitterness. Being “right” was never the point, trusting that God was and still is right, that is the point.
3. I believe in spiritual disciplines. But I don’t believe in them as a way of proving or striving. I believe they make space in our lives for the Lord to come and fill. I talked more about this in “Talk to Your Feet”.
4. I’m not fully against spiritual application. We are called to examine our hearts. Yes! But I think the lines have gotten a little blurred on who exactly does the fixing. We are called to repent. We are called to surrender. We are called to follow Jesus. But not with our own will-power, habit stacking, and ideals. The Lord may lead you to set a new boundary, practice a new habit or create a rule of life, but just to be clear, it’s not by our power or strength AT ALL, it’s only by His Spirit in us. So let’s examine our hearts unto dependence on Him alone.

Ok, take a breather. Hard part is over.

I was talking with a very dear friend the other day and I was confessing to her that my prayer life has really tanked lately. Probably because I’m learning so much about prayer, trying to make my life quieter—you know all things the enemy hates. I’ve got this prayer board and it has name after name of people I’m “supposed” to pray for. 

Truth? I’m overwhelmed in my prayer life. Anyone else out there just completely shut down when you’re overwhelmed? Please say yes.

In my confession, my friend says something to the extent of, “Kristen, at the root, the purpose of prayer is intimacy with God.” 

Yep. That hit something.

I love to journal my prayers. Some of you have probably figured this out by now. I picked up this mantra somewhere in the 24 years I’ve been journaling which says, “If I write it down, I lay it down.” It’s no longer mine, it’s the Lord’s now. My goal every time I write is to give the Lord my most honest prayer. And it’s worked. I feel better every time. Anxiety and fear? Gone! Worry about finances? Sleeping through the night! Dreams and desires of my heart? Ahh…He’s got that! Feeling like I’m failing at everything? Thank you Jesus for filling all the gaps! I think you get it. He makes it all better.

However, this last month, I have gone days without journaling. Like for example, in the crazy week I talked about in “Talk to Your Feet”, I didn’t journal for nine days—NINE!!!! I do not remember the last time that happened. Then I’ve skipped two days here, three days there. (*Pause: this isn’t my only way of praying you guys. I’m not saying I don’t talk to the Lord at all on those days. It’s just a little more random and scattered when I don’t journal.) Saturday morning, I picked up my journal and it had been since Monday—again MONDAY since I journaled. What is going on?!

Ok… (she says with all the uncomfortableness you can imagine…) I’m going to share something now… (she says for some reason in a British accent, because apparently that’s what she does when she feels awkward…) Here are some pieces of my most honest prayer from Saturday morning. *Note: I clearly don’t care about grammar or polished writing when I’m writing to Jesus. I would normally never share this, but I feel like He wants me to. So…. Yea…. (Breathe, Kristen)

“Lord, is the reason I am struggling so much with praying because I feel like I’m praying about the same things over and over? I’m so weary of praying and hoping for…(xyz). Intimacy creates connection yea? Lord, that has truly been the thing, because I’ve struggled with Your ways and timing and disappointment has really taken over so much of my filter of You. It has created disunity and disconnection. Lord, there has to be more to following You. There has to be something that clicks that the Holy Spirit does in me that I can’t do in myself. Because Pentecost happened and Your disciples were never the same. I’ve heard it three times this week, “Intensity isn’t a fruit of the Holy Spirit, joy is. He turns to joy everything He touches.” I’m asking for that joy, Papa. I am asking for something that is truly life changing, something that is actually real and from You. Not man-made with more striving and requirements of me. Lord, this is why it’s been hard to journal and pray because every time I do I feel burdened and sad and heavy and no matter how long I pray, no matter how honest I am, I don’t feel any better. I write it down, I lay it down and it’s like I’m not able to lay this down. You’re not letting me.”

Ding. Ding. Ding. There it is. 

I love Jesus and His voice so much! You guys… He wants to talk to you. He really does. I promise.

Some of His response:

“Intimacy, Daughter, is more than pleasure. It’s more than the end result of “feeling good.” In the same way the world encourages a cheap form of sexual intimacy, you tend to believe in and practice a cheap form of prayer and intimacy with Me. True intimacy is letting each other into all the places, the good, the bad, the dark. Sit with me in your pain and disappointment. Let Me hold you in it. This is also intimacy. I’m here, Kristen Marie, as long as it takes. I’m not in a hurry.”

Wrecked.

You know those days when you’ve been believing and practicing a certain way for 24 years and then in one single moment, the Lord changes it all?

Yep, me too… Me. Too.

There’s a verse that I’ve thought about over and over this week. It’s in John chapter 6. Jesus has just fed the five thousand, walked on water and He’s correcting, explaining, and encouraging the people to seek the eternal life He can give them rather than food that perishes. Starting in verse 28 it says this:

“They replied, ‘We want to perform God’s work, too. What should we do?’ Jesus told them, ‘This is the only work God wants from you; Believe in the One He has sent.”

Am I really believing in Him if I’m still trying to prove myself worthy? Am I really believing in Him if I’m not allowing His love to be the driving force of everything I do in my life? Am I really believing in Him if I’m forfeiting intimacy with Him for doing the “right” things? Am I just trying to “perform God’s works too” or am I wanting Him because it’s Him?

I think all of life is about knowing Jesus. All of it is about intimacy with Him. He’s the best gift. The best yes. The best everything. Prayer? We not only get to talk to Him at all times without stopping, we also get to listen to Him and sit with Him in everything. Mission and evangelism? We get to partner with Him and see Him do things that we actually can’t do. We get to see miracles happen before our very eyes. Justice? We get to see Him in the poor, in the weak, in the wounded. And hear Him say, “I was hungry and you fed me. I was thirsty and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger and you invited me into your home.” (Matt. 25:35)

I could keep going:

In fasting we know His Strength. In worship we know His Majesty. In church we know His body. In study we know His Word. In Sabbath we know His invitation. In mourning we know His comfort. In persecution we know His union. In simplicity we know His peace. In quietness we know His Voice. In service we know His rhythms. In celebration we know His laughter. In suffering we know His joy. In meekness we know His inheritance. In love we know His whole heart!

Again I could keep going, but you see it, right?

Intimacy is in the knowing and being known.

“I really think it’s about trusting more and doing less.” That’s how my friend continued to encourage me the other day. And I think she is right. Because I think when we lean in and really see Him and trust Him— letting His love wash over us, I think then we start loving Him in return, simply because we want to know Him and His heart. The Spirit will lead us in the doing.

So, your encouragement for the week:

Some of you may be like me and you need to let go of trying to do it all “right” and instead you need to get out of your own way and trust Him instead. It’s ok. He’s got you.

Some of you may also be like me and need to lean into intimacy with Jesus over performance and proving and “feeling better”. The Lord may be leading you to sit with Him in your struggles and let Him show you a deeper layer of intimacy.

And some of you may just need to be reminded that you’re doing great! Just keep going. Keep your eyes fixed. Because “The Vision is Jesus”.