“He notices. He says thank you.”

I do not want to write this blog. Mostly because of the vulnerability, confession and accountability it holds, but also because what if I can’t change?

I’m learning more and more that that particular thought is the very thing that holds me back the most. But the Lord never demands, “You must figure out how to get this right, or else.” He uses a lot of I will statements instead, like:
“I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

“Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Matthew 4:19

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Just to name a few.

Then there’s this verse… Yea, I know there isn’t an I will statement here, but just go with me for a second.

“Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says, ‘Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in rebellion, on the day of testing in the wilderness…’” Hebrews 3:7-8

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait! 
Testing?!? Call everyone!! There’s a test! That means pass or fail! That means there’s an equation! That means there’s a right and wrong answer and we must figure it out! 

Yep, that’s what I thought too. 

Remember that BEMA podcast I was telling you about way back in Trust the Story? 

There’s a couple of episodes that talk about God testing the Israelites in the wilderness. And he goes on to share what it really means when God tests us. Hear me say this: It’s not pass or fail. 

He said, “God wants to test us to know(experience) what’s in our hearts. A testing is a two-way opportunity. There’s two gifts that can be given with a test. The first is the gift we give to God. A testing is always an opportunity to show God what’s in your heart. It’s your opportunity to show God where you’re at, your willingness to follow Him and your willingness to be obedient—not to be perfect, but He gets to experience where you’re at in your growth. At the same time, a test is also a gift from God to us. Because a test is always an opportunity to learn a new lesson from God.” -Marty Solomon

Look at Deuteronomy 8:2 “Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble you and test you in order to know(experience) what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands.”

Ok, ok, I know what you’re thinking, “Kristen, what are you getting at? Where’s the confession? Where is the vulnerability? Give us the drama!!

I get it! I’m sorry! But I had to set this up well! Ok?

Here goes nothing.

So… the other night I was at a worship event with my Mom. I knew going into the night that the Lord had something for me. However, I also knew that it was going to come from Him and not anyone else. We worshiped— it was great! We sat and listened to the speaker— she was awesome! So far, so good, nothing too crazy. They had an altar call and invited people to come down and pray. All good, all good. I’m just sittin’ up here singing. Then… the Holy Spirit said to me, “I want you to go down there and pray over people.”

Pause… the next part is about to be absolute chaos. So prepare yourself. You’re about to enter the mind of Kristen in that particular moment. And I’m just gonna go ahead and tell you, it’s not pretty.

Ok. unpause. Ahem. Deep breath.

”Uh ok, God, but do I tell Mom? Do I invite her to come with me? If I don’t tell her, she’ll probably be wondering what I’m going down there to pray about. What if somebody else sees me and wonders what I’m going down there to pray about? What if someone sees me and thinks I’m going down there to pray by myself and so they follow me thinking they’re going to pray over me? That could be awkward. Ok, so let’s say I get down there with no trouble and start praying over people and others see and think I’m this amazing Christian— Will they expect more from me than I can give? What if the speaker lady notices me? Or the music guys? Will the people I pray over just be grateful or will they want more from me than I have the capacity to give them? What kind of people are down there? What if it’s someone dramatic that always comes to the front to be seen or someone who tries to latch onto me and drains the crap out of me? Ugh…but oh, how I long to be you Jesus. I really do desire to go pray over people and genuinely care about them more than myself. I just want to love on them and hug them in a way that feels like they are being hugged by You. I know if I don’t go down there I’ll regret it. I’ll feel like I failed You and was disobedient….”

The song ended. They dismissed everyone.

Whew… that was a lot.

And to that I would say, “Yes, yes it was.”

In case you need me to say it… no, I did not go pray over people. Ok? Ok.

My Mom dropped me off at my car and as I drove home I sat with the Lord in the wake of what had just happened backed there. The odd thing was I was feeling no guilt or regret at all. Instead, I thought back over my crazy thought process and knew… I had just experienced a God test.

Five days prior to this night.

It was Saturday morning. I’m sitting on the couch, enjoying my coffee as I read a book called “Dirty Glory” by Pete Greig. I get to this one section called “The Vision is Jesus”. (I’ve probably read it 15 times by now just FYI, so you’ll probably hear me quote from it again.) Here is what part of it said:

”It’s Jesus who motivates the church to be the biggest global agency caring for the weak and marginalized. It’s love for Jesus, not justice, that motivates Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity to care sacrificially for those who are dying. Day after day those nuns get up and go out to care for nobodies who are probably just weeks or even days away from departing a world that never even knew their name. It’s relentlessly pointless unless there is an afterlife and a God. Heroic altruism might perhaps motivate you to spend a few weeks in voluntary poverty engaging in such a thankless task amongst the poorest people on earth, but eventually you would run out of steam if no one ever noticed your work and if it never seemed to make a lasting or systemic difference. The Missionaries of Charity aren’t running out of steam because their compassion for the poor is fueled continually by passion for Jesus. He notices. He says thank you.”

He kept going, but I stopped.

Take a moment, here. I want you think of things you do for the Kingdom that seem to go unnoticed. They aren’t shiny. They aren’t in any kind of lime light. They are just you trying your very best to be like Jesus.

It might be the way you serve and love your kiddos or your spouse, or the way you care for your parents. It might be the way you pray for people. The prayers you’ve prayed for years over someone’s heart. The way you bite your tongue when you’re teenager says something rude for the umpteenth time. Or maybe you have the conviction to always give money to the guy standing with a sign out by the red light at Walmart. You have your suspensions about what he’s actually using that money for, but you just keep giving anyway. You could be someone who is overly kind to the extremely toxic lady at work that is always finding a reason to blame you or complain or talk bad about others.

Here’s a question

In what area of your life are you running out of steam in?

Another one?

Who or what is fueling that area?

Now close your eyes and picture Jesus noticing you in those moments.

I’ll wait…

Now hear Him saying “Thank You” for those moments, for those thankless tasks.

I had this moment with Jesus that Saturday morning on the couch with my coffee and it broke me in the best way.

I think we are always looking to “arrive” in our life. And until we get to that said arrival (*insert literally whatever you want) we are always looking to be seen and noticed by people who could help us get there. We want others to approve of us, because if they approve that means we are making our way. Somewhere. Most of the time I don’t think we have any idea where we are headed. But by-golly we are gettin’ approved and we are gettin’ there.

Death.

Spoiler alert! That’s where we are all headed. Whether we get there by rushing around from thing to thing, doing the most, or going slow, taking it one day at a time. And that’s easy to say, right? We don’t want to waste our life. We want it to mean something. We want to leave some kind of mark.

Another spoiler alert coming at ya with a crash landing! The only things that will truly last in this life are the things Jesus thanks us for.

The small obediences, the big obediences. All the moments you said yes to Him.

I am thankful for the other night when the Lord tested my heart. Because it reveled to me that I care too much about what other people think. I care too much about being seen. I care too much about being approved or noticed by people who are, in my eyes, in “higher positions” than I’m in. I care too much about being chosen and picked. I care too much about the responses of others in past experiences. Those people who hurt me, I seem to want to prove myself to. Those people who have used me, I want to guard myself against. Those people who drain me, I want to run from. I care too much about being right and liked and loved. And honestly, I’m kinda tired of it. I want more of those moments like the other day when I sat there and felt the eyes of the Lord on me. Noticing me. Thanking me.

It’s a practice. Dare I say, another spiritual discipline— to give the Lord space to come and fill in my life. Space to heal me from people pleasing, crowd surfing, and ladder climbing my way through life and saying yes to Him instead, even if the tasks are thankless and go unnoticed by others.

I want to end this by encouraging you. First of all, when you seem to have epically failed or disobeyed because your brain couldn’t shut up long enough to for you to just act (just me?). allow the testing of the Lord to be a two-way gift of a deeper healing He wants to do in you. Stand on those I will statements.

Second, practice sitting with Him and allowing Him to notice the obediences in your life. Give Him space to say thank you.

Finally, fall in love with Jesus and let His love for you and your love for Him fuel your yes to Him.

Who cares who’s watching.

He notices. He says thank you.