Fake Rest

“You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart.” -Jeremiah 29:13

If there is a scripture that the Lord whispers to my heart the most, it would be this one. I always end up finding myself here— in the seeking. Trying to make sense of how I got here. All of a sudden feeling the overwhelming need to pull over and ask for directions. Spiritually that is. Asking questions to the Lord like… where did I lose You? Did You leave me? Did I leave You? Are You just trying to take me deeper? Is this Your way of dangling a carrot in front of my face to make me come further? Where are You? Why do You need to be found if You promised to never leave me? Are You saying this because You want me to lean in again? Or are You saying this because I haven’t actually found You to begin with? Check 1, 2, is this mic on? Tap Tap.

”with all your heart…” Anyone else hearing alarms go off and seeing red flags being hoisted?

Honestly, doing anything with my heart scares the crap out of me. How many times have I heard people yell, ahem, I mean say to me, “Don’t follow your heart!” And then they quote Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” How am I supposed to use my heart to seek anything out, especially the Lord? How do I seek with it, but not follow it?

Andrew (the 5 year old I am “Nanny” to) and I have been playing this game for the last few weeks. He loves it. There are three rounds and we take turns, but for writing sake, it’s Andrew’s turn. The first round, Andrew is blindfolded in my bedroom. I am standing somewhere else in the house, usually in the kitchen. I can’t say anything, make a noise, give him any direction, nothing. He has to find his way to me all on his own. It takes a while. There’s a lot of feeling around, bumping into things— I’m sure you can imagine— until finally… he finds me. Then there’s round two. This round we tape an “X” on the floor somewhere in the house, usually the kitchen. Andrew starts in my bedroom again, except this time, I make him put his hands in his pockets or behind his back, no feeling is allowed, and I whisper to him, while I’m beside him, and I tell him exactly which way to go. He follows my voice and with no problem at all he finds the “X”. Finally, round three, my personal favorite. We tape an “X” on the ground somewhere in the house, usually in the kitchen. (My house is small, you guys.) Andrew is blindfolded and once again he cannot use his hands. Once again, I am standing beside him whispering to him which way to go, except this time, he is holding my phone up to his ear with music playing. This one always ends up the same. There is no getting to the “X”. He usually ends up just pulling the blindfold off and quitting.

We then end up sitting on the couch and I ask him, “Which was the easiest way to get where you were wanting to go?” Every time he of course says, round two— Not when he was using his own hands and feeling his way to me. Not when he was trying to hear me through the noise of the music. But when he was able to hear me whisper and follow my directions. I always ask him “How were you able to hear me whisper?” And he always responds, “because it was quiet.”

Stillness. This is the word the Lord gave me for the year. And man has it been a struggle.

I love to go back in my journal and read the pages with folded down corners. “Dog eared” is what I think some people call it. These are the pages when I have journaled the Lord’s voice. In the moments when I am having trouble hearing Him and discerning where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do, often I go back to these pages.

Want a sneak peek?

September 24, 2024

“Daughter, the reason I want your life be quieter, the reason I want you to give up all these things is because one, you need to see you don’t need them, and two, I need to have space to restructure your thinking. I want to renew your mind. I know that you are afraid of this, you’re afraid to miss out. But I want you to give Me the space to fill your mind and heart and the only way for Me to do that is if you clean it out and make space for it. Do you believe I’m your protector or do you believe your phone is? Do you believe that I can satisfy and fulfill your desires and longings? I want you to know Me, Daughter, and the way that happens is if you let Me get close and these things are keeping Me from getting close”

September 28, 2024

After a full day of watching TV and movies the day before. And, (cough, cough) staying up until 3am.

“Now that yesterday we did it your way, today let’s do it My way. Do you feel rested after yesterday?” (I felt like He was asking this with a smile and a hint of sarcasm.)

October 8, 2024

”Open up your hands, let go. Let go of entertainment as rest. It’s actually doing the opposite. It’s stealing your rest. The only time it’s contributing is when it’s done with others as an experience. This is what I’ve been trying to get you to understand. The things you cope with when you’re tired are not bringing rest or peace even. They are allowing the enemy to give an illusion of these things but they never fully satisfy. And they actually wear you out so much that they make it very hard to identify real rest. True rest, Daughter, is only found in Me, in My Presence.”

October 16, 2024

“You are uncomfortable with stillness. With the quiet.”

You get the idea.

I have been living by myself for a solid 309 days. Usually at night, especially after it’s been a really long day, I want to cope. I want to scroll on social media and watch TV or YouTube like a normal person. And if that’s your thing, please hear me, I’m not knocking it at all. I’m saying, the Lord knows I’m turning to these things to cope with the fact that I am struggling with this season of living alone. This was what I feared. I never wanted this. I prayed against it actually, because I knew it would make me have to confront things I didn’t want to confront. I’m restless in it. Caught between belief systems of what I know is true about God and what I’m actually experiencing in the moment. Therefore, I don’t want to think. I just want to cope and cross my fingers it will all just go by fast and I can get to the good part.

A Kristi McLelland quote: (Don’t act like ya’ll didn’t know it was coming. And this one we will for sure come back to.)

“Stare at God and glance at your life.”

“You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”

There it is again. That whispered voice.

Ok, let’s talk about this heart thing. Our heart consists of our emotions, desires, intellect, will, and moral character. It’s the source of thoughts, motives, and actions

Let’s read Jeremiah 17:10. Notice this is the verse right after Jeremiah 17:9 that I yelled, ahem, I mean spoke of earlier. “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” NIV

Let’s have some fun and read in a couple other translations:

”I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” ESV

“But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.” NLT

“But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” The Message

Is it just me, or does God not seem to be afraid of our hearts at all. It sounds like He wants them. The whole thing.

I don’t think we need to be afraid of our hearts. I think we need to be aware of what they are capable of if they are not surrendered. I think that seeking Him with all of our heart looks like simply letting Him have all our heart. Letting Him invade all of it. Giving Him permission to every nook and cranny, every crevice. The dark corners too.

What if that is the only way to truly know the Lord? What if that is the only way to truly find out who His is and what He’s like? What if we can’t know the Lord without our hearts? Without knowing them? Without knowing what’s in our heart? What if coping is keeping me from knowing my heart and what’s in it? Therefore, what if coping is keeping me from fully giving Him my heart and allowing me to experience His? Honestly? I think that’s true.

Andrew and I always go deeper in the conclusion of our game. We talk about how we can’t see where we are going in our life. Then I prove this by asking him all kinds of futuristic questions. “What are you going to eat for lunch tomorrow?” “Is Sam going to be at school tomorrow or is he going to be sick?” He always laughs and says “I don’t know Nanny.” “It’s kinda like we are walking around blindfolded isn’t it? But who does know what is going to happen tomorrow?” I ask. “God!” he exclaims. “So let’s pretend in the game that I’m God. Some people think God isn’t close or that He expects them to figure things out and find Him. Some people think He is hiding from them. They follow their feelings and struggle a lot because they think He doesn’t speak at all. That’s like round one. But the Bible tells us that we have been given a Helper, the Holy Spirit. He is really close and He whispers to us and tells us which way to go. That’s like round two. However, like round three if there is too much noise in our life we can’t hear Him. So what do we have to do?” “Be quiet”, he says. Then we talk about all the things in our life that can be noisy.

I think I need to hear this just as much as I want Andrew to understand it.

One more journal entry?

October 22, 2024

“Daughter, you can put your phone down early, you can talk to me about everything and nothing. You have a lot of people who pull on you and rely on you, it’s ok to not be on with Me. Seeking Me doesn’t always mean you have to be active, gotta be on and always expecting Me to give you a new task. Sometimes it’s just rest. I’m the only One who can give you true rest. The rest you are looking for. Besides My yoke is easy and my burden is light. I don’t think you now that yet. You’ve mixed in some of your own perspective and understanding into Mine. Meaning sometimes you’re on when I don’t need you to be. Today, let yourself just be present, listening. Ask questions. Just be at peace. I’m with you! I love you, Daughter. And tonight choose My way and see how it goes.”

I don’t have a clue what God is calling you to in this season of your life. You may be thriving, doing great, getting to watch all the TV you want and you may not struggle with scrolling at all.

But maybe you are like me and have been struggling with the illusion of rest. Fake Rest. That’s what I call it now. Or maybe you don’t even know what God is saying because all the noise in your life is too loud. Or maybe you think He is literally hiding from you and expecting you to “feel” and “figure out” your way to find Him.

Trust me, He’s whispering, “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”

Give Him permission to your whole heart. Stare at Him and glance at your life. Sit in stillness and get quiet for a bit.

Then I truly believe you will experience His Real Rest.