Count to 40

Can I be honest for just a minute?… I mean like really honest… Ok, here it goes… Life has been kicking—my—TAIL—lately! I’m talkin’ like, I’m ready to just go on home to the Lord, and ya’ll can have this place! Cause I’m over it! I have felt like a punching bag to disappointment in the last couple years, with just blow after blow— struggling with purpose, friendships and community, loneliness, unanswered prayers, weariness in waiting, feeling like I’m behind and I don’t fit in anywhere with anyone, while also being annoyed with myself with the why can’t you just get this right, Kristen? kind of comments, and the list goes on and on. Am I growing? Great question. It sure doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I’m going in the exact opposite direction I want to go. I feel less loving of people with a harder, much larger wall, than I ever thought possible, around my heart. (Can I keep this person at arms length so they don’t use me? Can I keep that person on the back burner so they don’t drain me? What about that one over there, do I risk being disappointed again in friendship?) Then there’s the death to self—Yea, How do I even do that? Then the failure thoughts set in, with the, what have I even done with my life, whispers. Finally, top it all off with the “old maid” lullaby and you’ve got yourself a day.

Ok, minute over. I know…I know, this all sounds very dramatic, but oh is that not the monologue of our brains sometimes?… Most of the time? Just me?

The truth is, there is a lot of pain wrapped up in what I just wrote. The dramatic entrance is just easier sometimes and more flashy because we all want to be seen and heard, am I right? I have pain knowing that I’ve truly been following the Lord’s lead since high school and now I’m 36. And I feel like no one is looking at my life and thinking they wished they would have done the same thing. Pain in feeling foolish for trusting and listening to Him, and yet at the exact same time, knowing that if I could do it all over again… I would do it the exact…same…way.

The real person I’m struggling with right now is Jesus, because I don’t like this place I’ve followed Him into. How dare He put me in the place and season I specifically asked Him not to— the place He knew I especially feared. I’m uncomfortable. I’m scared.

Can you relate?

Don’t give up on me yet… Keep reading.

I’ve heard a lot of similar stories lately. So many struggling. So many suffering, in one way or another. The feeling of being so stuck and feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Overwhelmed by responsibilities, situations, and circumstances. Feeling like no one cares or sees. Then in our frustration we begin to play the “blame” game. We get offended when people don’t reach out, but at the very same time we want to hide and just be left alone— knowing they can’t actually help anyway. Coping is a big one for me. Can I just sleep and get lost in TV shows and movies until all this passes? Please? Then there’s the coping with busyness—trying to do more, maybe even trying to find that one habit, that one routine shift, that can turn the whole thing around. (Still, just me?)

And yet, we are all just still struggling. Nothing seems to be working. Nothing seems to be changing.

Let’s come back to Jesus. Yes, that Person that we are really upset with. The One who led us here or at the very least allowed us to get here. Him! Ugh!

I hope you are picking up on my sarcastic tone here. Trust me it’s there. Because even as much pain as I feel because of this place. I truly still trust Him and believe Him in what is best. Because I know He loves me. Period. I’ve got history with Him that proves it.

If you are reading this and thinking you don’t have history that proves His ways are good, that He loves you and has your best interest at heart, look again. The beauty of being apart of the body of Christ is that we are One in Him. That means that my history with Him gets wrapped up in your history with Him, gets wrapped up with King David’s history with Him, gets wrapped up with Paul, Peter, James and John, and Larry from church, along with my grandma’s history with Him. There is power in our testimonies. There is power in our history with Him.

So in light of this tough season we are all finding ourselves in let’s look at some history of our Living God, shall we?

I am reading this book called “Rediscovering Israel” by Kristi McLelland (I love her. You will hear me talk about her again.) A couple weeks ago, I was reading about all the places the number 40 is used in scripture. I’ll list some for you that she talks about.

—The flood in Genesis, it rains 40 days and nights.

—The Israelite spies go into the land of Canaan for 40 days and nights before the conquest.

—After the spies return and the Israelites rebel, God sentences them to the desert for 40 years. (All the while providing for them with everything they need. But that’s another story for another day.)

—King Saul, King David and King Solomon all rule for 40 years each.

—Jesus spends 40 days in the desert.

Kristi said that anytime we see the number 40 in scripture, “change is coming.”

After reading this, the next couple days I kept hearing the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart, “Count to 40.”

I have history in my own life when I’ve counted to 40. In high school, my friend and I decided to give up TV for 40 days for Lent (which is starting this Wednesday, March 5th, by the way). During that time, I learned how to play guitar, which has led me to endless God-ordained opportunities. There have been other times, when the Lord has asked me to embrace a season/place for 40 days. So I’ve literally gotten a calendar, counted out 40 days and circled the 40th day and then watched Him move me from that place on that exact day.

Now, hear me, I’m not telling you this as some formula or magic trick to get God to do what you want Him to do. If that is what you are looking for you are on the wrong site, my friend.

I see this as more of a spiritual discipline, if you will. A chance to make space for the Lord to fill up. Anytime He has ever had me count to 40 there is always some level of obedience from me that He is inviting me into.

This season is no different. Stillness. Quietness. Turn off the TV again, Daughter, and come and sit with Me. Make room. Let Me have that pain and disappointment. Let Me transform, renew and redeem. I’ve got you. You’re going to be ok. You can trust Me.

Is it hard? Very.

Is it worth it? Absolutely.

So let me ask you…

Are you in a tough season? Do you feel stuck? Has God been telling you do something specific that you’re having a hard time doing? Has he been asking you to give something up that you just can’t seem to let go of? Is the monologue in your head taking over your day to day?

May I suggest, with the Lord’s permission, getting out your calendar, counting out 40 days and circling that day. Then prayerfully and fully depending on Him, walk out the things that He is asking you to walk out, just for 40 days.

The change may not be what you’re expecting. Maybe it’s simply a mindset shift, a completely new perspective, or seeing a new side of God’s heart and character. Maybe it ends with you stepping out into the unknown, finally quitting that job you hate so much, or reaching out to that person you’ve had beef with for years and the Lord is inviting you into healing and restoration.

Whatever it is, give glory to God and be grateful. I’m grateful for two blonde-haired boys God has me hanging out with and loving on in this season. I’m grateful for my family and the people I get to do life with. And I’m grateful for the Lord and His Presence, and His promise of never leaving me.

Finally, be expectant. Faith in God really pleases God. So believe the best of Him and trust Him. Lean into your history with Him. He really does love you more than you know!

Happy Counting!